I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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