I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
