Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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