It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
