no, he came in my armpit
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
