you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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