Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
