i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
