wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
