So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
