How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
