Tell her she can't have a vagina
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
