i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
