Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
