every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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