it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
