Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
