I want to have your abortion
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
