you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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