Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
