If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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