How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
