She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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