Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
