just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
