is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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