Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
