I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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