Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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