I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
