checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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