Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
