My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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