Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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