I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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