How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
