dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
