But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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