there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
