i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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