i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
