His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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