I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
