I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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