The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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