Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
