When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
