some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
