Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
