I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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